Last night i was attacked…In my dreams…By a nightmare. And since my dreamcatcher had previously exploded after a particularly terrifying wet dream - I will need to rely on you, my babies, to catch on these dreams and deal with them for me.

Now i realize that perhaps this will not seem very important to you…Maybe you are busy with your own problems, like POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION and AIDS VIRUS. But don’t worry - those are just old wives’ tales created by THE GOVERNMENT in order to keep us frightened and ignorant, so that we can be their slaves all the time, forever.

Just kidding. POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION is very real and very scary. Even Brooke Shields was not strong enough to survive, so you most certainly will not live through it.

But enough about you and your ’problems’…Let’s explore mine:

My dream began with me backstage at an indigo girls’ concert drinking wheat grass juice with Ellen DeGeneres.

Very charming and very lovely…But then things turned ugly. All of a sudden Ellen became a little too flirty…Her body language changed, and i could tell that she was feeling romantic. Suddenly, she slid her bony claws up my thigh and winked at me.

And so i was all like,

Ellen. Let’s not take this friendship to that place. I respect you too much as a friend and as a comedian.

But Ellen would not listen, she never does. Before i knew it she was shirtless. Her pale, shriveled body trembling with desire.

I realized then, that i would need to be a little more FORCEFUL.

Seriously, Ellen. I don’t want this. you are a wonderful performer, but your body is hideous and you are also very gay, right? Listen, i will have to leave unless you put that shirt back on.

She refused and so I made good on my threat and leaped out the door towards the green room - Only to find, to my HORROR, that somehow I was back in the same room with the naked Ellen DeGeneres, again - Trapped forever.

At that moment i woke up screaming - And realized that unfortunately i had also wet the bed.

So, there you have it, my friends. A glimpse into the tortured psyche of a very confused and terrified dream-victim. And now hopefully my night-terror has become yours’ as well, and we can share in this hellish dream-fuckery together - So i will not feel so alone in my fear. But by all means, feel free to substitute your own favorite gay comedienne and/or natural, plant-based beverage.

Hmmm…Perhaps the irreverent Kate Clinton and a little low-fat soy milk?

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