Writing Witty Online-Diary Titles Is My Anti-Drug
We live in dangerous times, you guys. The other day I was rollerblading motorcycling down the street when I saw a group of drug-monsters sitting on their front porch smoking on a weed-pipe. In broad daylight!
I could feel their angry red eyes stabbing into me like HIV-infected, dope-needles. And if their “mary-janes” were laced with “angel’s dust” then there is no telling what they would have done to me to get money for their next fix.
Needless to say I rollerbladed popped a wheelie and rode away as fast as I could.
Now I’ve already written a firmly worded letter that I intend to leave on their doorstep when they are not home, but what am I supposed to do next time I’m out rollerblading ramping off sweet jumps on my motorcyle and run into another terrifying bacchanalian marijuana ceremony?
Don’t worry, you guys. I’m pretty sure I found my answer:
I know what you’re thinking (it’s called telepathy): Duh! As a skinny, effete young man I should already be carrying around a can of Pepper Spray. But there is one crucial difference between StreetWise Pepper Spray and normal pepper spray. Pay attention, you guys:
Every monster has a weakness. Werewolves have silver bullets, Hilary Clinton has unicorn tears, and drug addicts have StreetWise Red Hot Pepper Spray.
In conclusion: Drugs are scary! They turn people into dope-addled, nightmare beasts. Remember what happened to your mom after getting “turned on” to crystal meth at her first Dave Matthews Band concert?
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