We live in dangerous times, you guys. The other day I was rollerblading motorcycling down the street when I saw a group of drug-monsters sitting on their front porch smoking on a weed-pipe. In broad daylight!
I could feel their angry red eyes stabbing into me like HIV-infected, dope-needles. And if their “mary-janes” were laced with “angel’s dust” then there is no telling what they would have done to me to get money for their next fix.
Needless to say I rollerbladed popped a wheelie and rode away as fast as I could.
Now I’ve already written a firmly worded letter that I intend to leave on their doorstep when they are not home, but what am I supposed to do next time I’m out rollerblading ramping off sweet jumps on my motorcyle and run into another terrifying bacchanalian marijuana ceremony?
Don’t worry, you guys. I’m pretty sure I found my answer:
Doctors say the birth anomaly could have been caused by either genetics or environmental pollution
Great job, doctors. That is why we pay you so much money. Because you can really provide the answers to this world’s most puzzling questions. Except when you don’t at all.
Now I might not be a doctor, but I am a fully-licensed online-diaryist, so perhaps I can explain this horrifying monster of a baby-accident:
he is homeless and wanted to go to jail because he had nowhere else to go
Wait, what? I thought you two had worked out your hilarious relationship issues, but apparently not. Now I understand that dating a transvestite can be difficult (SPOILER ALERT my real name is Jessica), but you two were perfect for each other. Except for all of your SCARY PROBLEMS. Seriously, you guys had some serious fucking issues to work through and I’m glad that Jeremy is trapped in jail now and cannot hurt you anymore.
Remember when he beat you unconscious with a shower rod because he caught you trying on a pair of his flower-patterned panties? Or the time he wrote NEXT TIME IT WILL BE YOU’RE (sic) BLOOD ON THE WALLS across your living room after you returned his WILL & GRACE Season 5 DVD to blockbuster before he had finished listening to the commentary tracks? Fuuuuuuck.
Well…Jeremy’s love is crazy.
Anyways: because I love you and want you to be able to wear flower-patterned panties without fear of a savage shower-rod assault here are a few quick tips for avoiding another terrifying relationship:
