I almost considered not online-diarying about this since it has nothing to do with Hilarious Baby News or Retarded Tigers, but then I realized that this blog is apparently just about Scary Sex Toys now.
Sorry, mom. Your son is a blogger who blogs about sex toys. It’s not your fault though. I blame public schooling and rap music.
Anyways. I don’t know if this counts as a “toy” since toys should be fun and not painful, but I’ll let you be the judge of that. Except for you , mom. You should never, ever read this web-log. Please delete this site from your e-bookmarks. Actually you should probably delete all of the internets from your bookmarks, because they are scary places filled with scary people.
Doctors say the birth anomaly could have been caused by either genetics or environmental pollution
Great job, doctors. That is why we pay you so much money. Because you can really provide the answers to this world’s most puzzling questions. Except when you don’t at all.
Now I might not be a doctor, but I am a fully-licensed online-diaryist, so perhaps I can explain this horrifying monster of a baby-accident:
Since this is supposed to be a math-blog (mlog, you guys. I just coined it), I figured I would post a fun equation and see if you little monsters can solve it.
Last night after finishing several hours of scary, anger-filled weight-lifting, I sat down with a bucket of MUSCLE MILK and cruised some of my favorite BODY BUILDING FORUMS.
Just a typical Sunday night, you guys.
Usually I’m just checking out pictures of the other body-builders and laughing (crying) at their powerful, oily bodies (nullus).
So apparently INTERNETS has finally developed the ability to tell if you’re male or female - without forcing you to expose your genitals to a webcam. PROGRESS.
Just kidding. Great job, God. You really know how to make me LAUGH OUT LOUDING. You truly are the King of Zing. All of that genocide in Darfur? LMAO. That’s classic God, right there. You’re like the Dane Cook of deities. You should really consider writing some sort of book documenting all of the hilarious things you have done.
Just make sure to omit the time you were blasted on angel dust and created this:
he is homeless and wanted to go to jail because he had nowhere else to go
Wait, what? I thought you two had worked out your hilarious relationship issues, but apparently not. Now I understand that dating a transvestite can be difficult (SPOILER ALERT my real name is Jessica), but you two were perfect for each other. Except for all of your SCARY PROBLEMS. Seriously, you guys had some serious fucking issues to work through and I’m glad that Jeremy is trapped in jail now and cannot hurt you anymore.
Remember when he beat you unconscious with a shower rod because he caught you trying on a pair of his flower-patterned panties? Or the time he wrote NEXT TIME IT WILL BE YOU’RE (sic) BLOOD ON THE WALLS across your living room after you returned his WILL & GRACE Season 5 DVD to blockbuster before he had finished listening to the commentary tracks? Fuuuuuuck.
Well…Jeremy’s love is crazy.
Anyways: because I love you and want you to be able to wear flower-patterned panties without fear of a savage shower-rod assault here are a few quick tips for avoiding another terrifying relationship:
Last night i was attacked…In my dreams…By a nightmare. And since my dreamcatcher had previously exploded after a particularly terrifying wet dream - I will need to rely on you, my babies, to catch on these dreams and deal with them for me.
Now i realize that perhaps this will not seem very important to you…Maybe you are busy with your own problems, like POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION and AIDS VIRUS. But don’t worry - those are just old wives’ tales created by THE GOVERNMENT in order to keep us frightened and ignorant, so that we can be their slaves all the time, forever.
Just kidding. POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION is very real and very scary. Even Brooke Shields was not strong enough to survive, so you most certainly will not live through it.
But enough about you and your ’problems’…Let’s explore mine:
If I made love to a coyote in an alley last night and nobody heard…Does that mean it happened? Of course it did…And I have the bite marks to prove it
Just kidding…She was very gentle and VERY respectful with my body.
You see…Susan understands me like no one has ever before. She knows that just because I begin crying hysterically immediately after we make love, I am not sad. I just get very emotional and worried that there will be a separate heaven for humans and coyotes so we might not be together FOREVER.
Now some of you may be slightly confused, or perhaps even disgusted by this terrifyingly BEAUTIFUL union…Others may be too busy creaming their jeans over the very idea of it. For the curious, allow me to explain how it all began:
Here we are, my babies. Easter. 2008. I am so excited I could SCREAM.
Now I know what you must be thinking -
As a raving scientologist, I have more important concerns than some crazy egg-filled holiday. I am worried that my preclear is trying to shift identities and borrow facsimiles!
And of course you would be right…The whole MEST universe is all an illusion, and that of course includes Easter. But you should still take the time to learn the history of Easter before you begin your patter drills and verbal tech. So allow me just a few moments here to blow your fucking mind:
