If you are reading this online diary you are either:
A: My mom (hi mom!)
or
B: An 11-14 year-old girl
Now since the second rule of Professional Online-Diarying is “Know your audience” (right after “Be an asshole”), I’ve decided to try and explore some of the topics you might enjoy reading about (not that erotic Mortal Kombat fan-art and retarded tiger news can’t be enjoyed by EVERYONE).
Unfortunately, I’ve grown a bit out of touch with the average tween-age girl since I spend most of my time in my ivory tower sipping Château Lafite and translating obscure German poetry, so I had to do some exhaustive research (and by research I mean drinking heavily and watching the Disney Channel).
A twenty-four pack of Busch Light and six-hundred Bratz commercials later, I washed the blood out of my eyes and looked down at my notes and realized I’d only written down three things: Hannah Montana, Twilight, and designer fashion.
Unfortunately my lawyer has advised me to avoid blogging about Miley while the trial is still pending, and since the subtle erotic tension of the Stephanie Meyer’s book series terrifies me, that leaves fashion, you guys. Sorry!
Not knowing where to begin, I dialed into an AOL and Asked Jeeves, “Why is fashion?”. Which led me through a labyrinth of confusing hyperlinks about Tommy Hilfigers, Ugg boots, and free ringtone offers. About three hours into my journey down the fashion-hole however, I was stopped dead in my tracks.
Now I might not know the first thing about fashion, but when I saw this it sent shivers down my spine:
I realize that this is probably a little late, and most of you have already forgotten about Christmas and have returned to the crushing sadness of your wretched lives, but whatever, that’s your problem NOT MINE. You see, Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. It’s that magical time of the year when we gather around with our loved ones and wait for our Jewish War-Lord, Jesus Christmas, to emerge from his cave and find out whether or not he sees his shadow. Unfortunately, according to the LIBERAL MEDIA, he did, which means we can expect another 2,000 years of war, disease, and human suffering. Whoops! Religion is nuts!
Human misery? LMAO
Unfortunately, Christmas 2008 was probably the last one any of us will ever experience. You see, I am not only a professional Blog-Master, but a fully licensed PROPHET. I have gazed into the future and what I’ve seen has shaken me to my very core. Like you, I’ve been deeply concerned about the WAR that has been waged against Christmas by Gays, Liberals, and Satanists. While we were focusing all of our powerful Christ-Magic against these evil-doers, we managed to ignore who was ultimately the most dangerous threat to Christmas:
Here we are, my babies. Easter. 2008. I am so excited I could SCREAM.
Now I know what you must be thinking -
As a raving scientologist, I have more important concerns than some crazy egg-filled holiday. I am worried that my preclear is trying to shift identities and borrow facsimiles!
And of course you would be right…The whole MEST universe is all an illusion, and that of course includes Easter. But you should still take the time to learn the history of Easter before you begin your patter drills and verbal tech. So allow me just a few moments here to blow your fucking mind:
So…More snow and winter witchery - Absolutely hilarious!
Listen: I understand that God has a very different sense of humor than us wretched and confused mortals - But there is nothing funny about me standing outside in this frigid madness waiting for buses, trains, and adorable tamale salesmen. God is obviously a lunatic…Which of course is a blasphemous exaggeration that will both enrage and inflame my deranged lord. But in the interest of placating my ruthless master allow me to offer an example of something, or rather someone, for which I am thankful - My guardian angel.
I am so thankful I even sent you an e-card. Did you get it?
Now you of course, my friends, as charming atheists and bat-shit scientologists cannot even comprehend this, so allow me to plant this lovely flower of a description in the filth of your pagan minds:
