I almost considered not online-diarying about this since it has nothing to do with Hilarious Baby News or Retarded Tigers, but then I realized that this blog is apparently just about Scary Sex Toys now.
Sorry, mom. Your son is a blogger who blogs about sex toys. It’s not your fault though. I blame public schooling and rap music.
Anyways. I don’t know if this counts as a “toy” since toys should be fun and not painful, but I’ll let you be the judge of that. Except for you , mom. You should never, ever read this web-log. Please delete this site from your e-bookmarks. Actually you should probably delete all of the internets from your bookmarks, because they are scary places filled with scary people.
Well this obviously doesn’t tell us anything we didn’t already know. Performing magic is the fastest way to unlocking the gates to a woman’s Pleasure Kingdom. PERIOD. Well, that and blogging.
Favorite lines:
Woman: How do I know you’re not some sort of weirdo?
Weirdo: I’m not a weirdo.
You’re just going to have to trust him on that one, lady! Be careful though. I knew a girl that trusted a magician once. Want to know what happened to her?
Now as some of you may not realize, I am not a pregnant woman. I am not even a pregnant man. So I obviously have no use for a Waterbirth Vessel, right? Right???
Today while I was photoshopping my friends’ heads onto the bodies of PLAYGIRL
models (I have a problem) I realized something…My friends’ heads look
fucking amazing superimposed over naked, well-oiled bodies.
Just kidding. I realized that the Internet must be destroyed.
Do you understand what madness I had to endure just to find a few
pictures of naked, 80’s era saxophone-playing lumberjacks and
taut-bodied horse-wranglers? Do you know how many circles of Internet
Hell I had to travel through to reach the creamy, pornographic center
(sorry)? Five, my babies. Five circles.
Now since you just received your INTERNET LICENSE for your third
birthday, you probably have no idea what I’m talking about. So allow me
to take you on a virtual tour deep into the darkened pit of this
terrifying hellhole of insanity we call INTERNETS:
No big deal, right? Just another boring story about lonely scientists smashing their (protected, well-lubricated) gentials against each other, in the darkness. Zzzzzzzzzz.
That’s what I thought too, until I reached this line:
The base only has a skeleton staff through the long winter
Whoops! Now you have my attention! All of a sudden this is the sexiest article I’ve read all day. Now I have a very fertile, very sexy imagination, so I have no problem visualizing this undead, erotic madness…But I realize that you babies are still developing and have problems understanding shapes and colors, so here’s a little help:
Listen: This will be brief because I am running late for my custody hearing and if I miss one again they will surely take Jasmine away from me forever.
Very quickly though, I would like to dispel some myths about online-diaries and the sexy, young internet-magicians that conjure them up:
Last night i was attacked…In my dreams…By a nightmare. And since my dreamcatcher had previously exploded after a particularly terrifying wet dream - I will need to rely on you, my babies, to catch on these dreams and deal with them for me.
Now i realize that perhaps this will not seem very important to you…Maybe you are busy with your own problems, like POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION and AIDS VIRUS. But don’t worry - those are just old wives’ tales created by THE GOVERNMENT in order to keep us frightened and ignorant, so that we can be their slaves all the time, forever.
Just kidding. POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION is very real and very scary. Even Brooke Shields was not strong enough to survive, so you most certainly will not live through it.
But enough about you and your ’problems’…Let’s explore mine:
If I made love to a coyote in an alley last night and nobody heard…Does that mean it happened? Of course it did…And I have the bite marks to prove it
Just kidding…She was very gentle and VERY respectful with my body.
You see…Susan understands me like no one has ever before. She knows that just because I begin crying hysterically immediately after we make love, I am not sad. I just get very emotional and worried that there will be a separate heaven for humans and coyotes so we might not be together FOREVER.
Now some of you may be slightly confused, or perhaps even disgusted by this terrifyingly BEAUTIFUL union…Others may be too busy creaming their jeans over the very idea of it. For the curious, allow me to explain how it all began:
